You might not believe me, but it’s the truth; there ARE people out there that drink beer through a straw!
A STRAW! A DAMN STRAW! Who the hell drinks their beer out of a straw?!
If you don’t believe me, go google search it. Type in “drinking beer through a straw” and past the first few goofy memes in the images, you will see this MONSTROUS ACT!
Folks, you need to understand something; when you drink beer out of a straw, you are basically slapping THAT brewery in the face. It’s a subtle, silent insult to the men and women who brewed your beer, telling them; “You need to add a little straw to make it easier for me to sip it.”
I…….I am literally cringing at the thought of this right now. I’m cringing for two reason;
- At the thought of someone using a straw to drink their beer (obviously).
- At the fact that I even have to SAY THIS AT ALL!
And not only that, using a straw for your beer makes you look like a fool. What are we, seven? Are we back in the “school yard days” where the lunch lady put a straw in our can of iced tea? Or our bottle of root beer?
NO! You’re a grown adult for crap sake, and you’re supposed to drink your beer like that! When the bartender brings you a bottle, don’t be sticking a straw or anything like that in there. You will look crazy, and be judged very quickly.
“But Kellen, drinking through a straw gets you drunk faster! It helps get the party going,” someone may say!
What are we, in high school? You’re not stealing beer out of your dad’s garage fridge to go hang out at your friend Bobby’s house anymore to try and “get drunk.” You can actually go to this place called a “bar,” and enjoy a beer with other “adults” like you in a mature matter.
Now having said all of that, there is only ONE time that beer is allowed to be consumed through a straw. And that ONE time is through the beer helmets that hold a can on each side. I’m not going to lie, if you wear one of those out ANYWHERE besides a sporting event or a tailgate/cookout, people will look at you funny. But damnit, they will respect your ingenuity, and your love for party!
But the question is, are you a straw person? Have you ever used a straw to drink beer? Or do you agree with me, and think it is insane? Let me know in the comments below, or on one of The Midwestern Barfly Gazette’s various social media accounts;
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