Lifestyle

Conversations In My Head: Flirting

Brain: Really?!

Me: What?!

Brain: Look at the title of this!

Me: Yeah, so?

Brain: Don’t make me laugh! You can’t flirt, and you wouldn’t even have a CLUE if someone was flirting with you…….even if they were doing it in your lap.

Me: Who am I, Santa?! Why would someone sit on another person’s lap to flir-

Brain: (cuts off C.S. mid-sentence) What are you doing right now?

Me: Typing? duh!

Brain: GGGGo..Go! Go sit in the corner and face the wall! What you just said was the dumbest thing I have ever heard!

Me: No.

Brain: Fine! You wanna know why women flirt at parties and large social gatherings by sitting on your lap?

Me: You are gonna tell me even if I say no! So why did you even-

Brain: (cuts off C.S. mid-sentence again) PHYSICAL CONTACT, you childish putz! When women flirt, they make innocent physical contact. For instance, a touch of the arm that lingers a little longer than a normal friendly nudge, or a special smile with a glimmer or ‘look’ in the eye. Lastly, and again, in a crowded party or social gathering, a lady might sit on someone’s lap to “hear them better.” They may even say, “oh, there are no seats left; can I sit here?”

Me: You’ve been spending too many late nights staying up, haven’t you?

Brain: That’s…That’s beside the point. When was the last time you tried flirting with someone?

Me: I will admit, it has been a while.

Brian: Its been over a year! You past “a while” two weeks after the last time you flirted.

Me: So what if it has?

Brain: If you don’t use it, you lose it!

Me: Oh, don’t give me that!

Brain: Ok, “Mr. I’m still smooth,” show me what you got?!

Me: What?!

Brain: What do you mean what? Let’s go to the bar and show me that you can still do it!

Me: It’s late!

Brain: What are you? Retired?!

Me: Fine.

(head to the local bar)

Brain: First off, you chose to go here? Strike one!

Me: It’s late, and this place is close to my house. This was not planned AND I have work in the morning!

Brain: (whispers) ssssttttrrrrriiiike one!

Me: Shut up.

(saddle up at the bar, middle seat.)

Me: (orders a beer and sips it looking around the bar)

Me: (glances at the sports game on TV.)

Brian: None of that now! Plus, you don’t even like sports!

Me: Fine! (scans room again)

Me: (another gulp of beer.)

Lady: (walks up and takes a seat next to me, leaving an empty seat between us.)

Lady: Hi!

Me: Hello.

Lady: Wanna buy me a drink?

Me: Whatda ya have?

Lady: Jack and Coke.

Me: (Orders drink. Slides it to the lady.)

Brain: Ask her something.

Me: (to Lady) So uhh, what brings you out tonight?

Brain: God, you are creepy when you talk!

Lady: Just quit my job.

Me: Oh, what did you do?

Lady: I was a sexual harassment lawyer for a local firm.

Brain: Only you man, only you could get this kind of audience.

Me: Ah, I see! What are you going to do now?

Lady: I have a friend at the D.A.’s office who said they had an opening that I would be perfect for.

Brain: You. Are. Screwed.

Me: Good time to celebrate! Congratulations! (raise glass for cheers)

Lady: Thanks! (clinks my glass)

Me: Forgive me for asking, but if you are celebrating, wouldn’t you want your friends here with you?

Lady: They all went home earlier because they had “work.” pppfffff. (Has a cute, funny look come across her face)

Me: Yeah.

Brain: (whisper) You little son of a –

Me: (Cutting off Brain’s thought) Well, if we are celebrating, we need to dance!

Lady: What?!

Brain: Yeah, what?!

Me: Yup. (walks over to jukebox and turns on a party song.)

Me: (Starts to wiggle to the rhythm.)

Lady: (starts to join in.)

Me: (making relaxed drunken eye contact with the lady.)

Lady: (doing the same with me)

We move in closer and closer, eyes never leaving each other. Our lips about touch…

(Bang! BANG! BANG!)

Me: (Waking up with my head on the bar. My beer spilled around my head.)

Bartender: Hey, you don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here.

Me: What? Wh…What happened?

Bartender: You walked in, ordered your beer, took two big gulps, looked around, and then passed out on the bar. You were moaning something about a pretty lady.

Brain: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Brain: By the way, strike two for passing out before anything even happened. And strike three for spilling your beer. GO HOME!

Me: (pays bill and heads out the door, head hung low.)

Me: (sees a familiar lady standing by the curb with another woman waiting for a ride.)

(We lock eyes.) (whispering to myself) I think…was that…is that?!

Lady: What are you looking at CREEP!

Me: Oh!…oh. Nothin’… sorry.

Me: (Drive home and go to bed.)

 

C.S.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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