The word “Thought” is defined as; an idea or opinion produced by thinking, or occurring suddenly in the mind. Now, just imagine adding alcohol to something like that, and tell me if the same definition would occur.
Having said that, in celebration of hitting the DOUBLE DIGIT MARK for the “Late Night Drinking Thoughts” series, I thought I’d make a compilation article of my Top 10 favorite thoughts so far. I wanted to showcase what I believe to be the ten BEST thoughts to come out of this series.
SO, without further ado;
10. EVERY SINGLE TIME, I forget that the space bar on my computer will pause a video. I mean every single time someone needs to ask me a question, I am always scrambling to click the pause button on the side of the video that I am watching/listening to.
Let me explain though; throughout the last few years, I would listen to podcasts and funny standup videos on the internet while I wrote my articles. But WHENEVER someone would need to say something to me, I would stupidly tell them to “hold on” while I searched for the pause button on the screen.
My friends tried to correct that, because EVERY SINGLE TIME I forgot about the space bar in college, I would be laughed at and corrected by my friends. The problem here though is that I continue to forget about it to this day.
One of these days, I’m just going to tape a note that says “pause video” to my space bar. Then maybe my stupidity will subside.
9. Why do parents still put their kids on “kid-leashes?” I mean really, is there really a need for these? You’re still going to be too pre-occupied with your phone, to the point where you are not going to see “Little Suzy” knock over that beautiful display of dish soaps. Or you’ll be caught in a dramatic battle of wits with the cashier over a coupon, and you won’t see “Little Tommy” spilling his snack all over the floor. So what’s the point of them if the kid’s still going to do what they want?
8. How much do the people who pose for the pictures in picture frames at the store make? Am I the only one that’s ever thought of this? Am I the only one that’s ever purchased a picture frame and thought; “Gee, I wonder how much this lovely couple in this photo was paid?”
Because me personally, I would need a few big bills peeled off to get me to do this kind of work. If there was a photography spectrum, these types of photos would range somewhere between flyers (where people will be throwing them out rather quickly), and magazine pictures (where MANY people will see them, and they may or may not be thrown out as fast).
7. How have we not had ketchup and mustard in the same bottle yet? And if we did, how have I never seen it before? I mean, unless you are from Chicago, these two condiments tend to go hand-in-hand. These two condiments are CONSTANTLY seen together on every table in EVERY hot dog and burger joint in America. AND, if they are not, then they are sitting next to each other SOMEWHERE in that building.
Granted, it means you will have less ketchup and mustard in your home. But you’ll still make a BOAT LOAD of money from it being a novelty/something new.
6. What do you call the box that you order food into at a drive thru? I’ve heard it be called multiple things during my time on this earth; the intercom, the box, and even the station. But honestly, which one is it?
Personally, I think it’s called “The Box.” When you pull up to one of these contraptions, it literally…….looks like a box! Nothing else, just a metal box with a large microphone on the inside to transmit your order to the attendant in the building.
I mean, you can call it an intercom if you want, I’m not going to stop you. But when I think of an intercom, I think of the mic that your principal from elementary school used to tell you the announcements in the morning.
5. What kind of person DOESN’T put handles on their cases of beer? I mean seriously, who the HELL doesn’t put handles on their cases of beer? It’s an OUTRAGE!
I bring this up because just the other day, I was picking up a few brews for my mother for her birthday. The case was stacked rather high, so I spent a few seconds searching desperately for handles on either side of the box. BUT, since the makers didn’t have the foresight to actually PUT handles on the box, I had to pick it up with both hands and hug the damn thing like it was my child.
It was RIDICULOUS! I even had children riding in carts rolling past me saying; “Mommy, why’s that man dumb?” It’s because THERE WERE NO HANDLES!
4. Why in the WORLD would you get married in your early twenties? Granted, this thought kind of takes a HUGE left turn when it comes to topics discussed in this article. But, it still fits the bill of “random” thoughts.
So…….WHY would someone get married in their early twenties? I mean, these are MAJOR years in every young-adult’s life! They are the first four or five years where you can actually drink, go out to the bars, live on your own, and truly feel like an adult. And, you want to ruin all of that by tying yourself down?
To the single folks that are 21 and over, take it from me; date who you want (legally), party when you want (legally), and just live your life to the FULLEST (legally)! You have PLENTY of time to get married in the future, just live in the NOW!
3. If someone were to pay you $100,000 a year just to wipe their butt, would you do it? Think about it; you’re getting paid a yearly salary of $100,000……JUST TO WIPE SOMEONE’S ASS. It’s that simple!
But let me clarify your “duties” in this scenario, just so everyone is on the same page. For the duration of your employment, you must go wherever the person is traveling to. Whether it’s to work, at their home, on vacation, or anywhere else they may go to; you are there.
It might be a “shitty” job, but think of the positives for a second. For one, you are getting paid $100,000 PER YEAR just to wipe someone’s backside. So with a normal diet, you’re basically doing 10-30 seconds of work 1-2 times per day; (excluding major disasters like “taco night.”)
Then, you are literally traveling with them WHEREVER THEY GO! So if the family goes on a vacation to Paris, you’re going on a vacation to Paris. If the family is going to a baseball game, you’re going to a baseball game.
Basically, the positives do outweigh the “crap” that you have to deal with.
2. If you pull a “bump and run,” you should be banned from every bar in America for the rest of your life. What do I mean by “bump and run?” It’s where you are in a bar that’s packed, and accidentally bump into someone, which inadvertently spills some of their beer. Instead of offering them a fresh brew to replace it, you just walk off and lose them in the crowd.
This, my friends, is what we call a dick move. You should NEVER run away from a spilled beer. Instead, you should apologize for the “party foul” and offer to replace your mistake.
1. The sound of cracking open a beer can be considered the equivalent of an errant fart. I’m not saying that it actually SOUNDS like a fart, that would be gross.
(Hang on, that would actually be funny. Beer cans that sound like farts when you open them? I would buy those for the comedic/novelty aspect. But I digress).
What I mean by this though is that cracking open a beer can has a specific sound that can bring about negative connotations in a situation. If someone hears that during a wedding ceremony for example, they may think; “Who’s this rude, degenerate individual? This isn’t your day!”
The same can be said about a fart. because apparently there is a time and place for a fart as well. Wedding ceremony: bad. Bathroom: good.
But what I have to say is, who are you to tell me where I can open a beer? Who are YOU to tell me where I can fart? If I want a beer during my kids’ school play, I should be allowed to have one! That shit is BORING, and a little brewski can make it a WHOLE LOT FUNNIER!
Do you agree with the list? Are there any “thoughts” that should be higher or lower? And do you have any thoughts of your own? Let me know in the comments below, or on one of our various social media accounts;