How To Hide Your Drunken Shopping Spree From A Significant Other……

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You’re lying to yourself if you say you’ve never purchased something while intoxicated. Because I’ve bought shirts, magazine subscriptions, and all kinds of other stuff online after having a few too many. Hell, the computer that I am writing this article on was purchased during a night of drinking (even though I REALLY DID need one!)

But I’m single, so I can sort of get away with these stupid purchases. Folks that are married, or in really serious relationships, may not be as lucky.

However, there’s a way around this. There’s a way to “mask” these purchases from your significant other, while still staying truthful to how much you actually spent.

First off, figure out what the most popular website your “drunkself” likes to frequent. Check those recent receipts, and find your pattern of shopping.

Once you’ve established a pattern of spending, find something that your significant other would really enjoy. Find an item that they’ve REALLY wanted; an item that would just take their breath away at first sight. BUT, make sure that it can be mistaken for being expensive; that is the KEY to the whole plan.

The reason that you want it to seem expensive is because you want them to think that that’s all you bought. If they see the credit card statement, you want them to THINK that the $147.82 that you spent shopping online was all for them. THAT WAY, when they try and put two and two together, you end up looking like the most generous person in the entire world.

Then the final step is quite simple; just put it in the cart and LEAVE IT THERE. Let it stew in your shopping cart, and be your “security blanket” for when the vodka soda’s “move you” to spend some money. Then once you are ready to checkout, it’s already in there, and your “drunkself” will not be smart enough to remove it.

Now you have to realize, this is a tricky situation to pull off. There are variables that need to be covered in order to have this unfold in your favor. Variables such as; not having a shared account, sneaking the packing slips out of the boxes, spacing out the ship dates so that her shit arrives at a different time than yours. But, once you get all of that squared away, your dirty little drunken habit becomes almost unrecognizable.


Have you ever tried to pull something similar on your significant other? What were your results? Let us know in the comments below, or on one of our various social media accounts!

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P.S. This article was written to be comedic/funny for the reader. If you actually try this, myself and the ENTIRE Midwestern Barfly Gazette page and/or staff are NOT RESPONSIBLE for any and all outcomes that may occur. You’ve been warned, this was a joke.

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